this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
