She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
