I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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