Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
