we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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