Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
