You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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