please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
