this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
