It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
