my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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