You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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