having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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