I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
