I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
