eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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