in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
