mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
