The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
