what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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