Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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