Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
