You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
