I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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