You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
