She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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