apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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