Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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