thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
