I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
