Umm I'm too high to move.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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