Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
