You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
