I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
