I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
