i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
