If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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