I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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