Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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