he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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