Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize