the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
