You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
