You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
