we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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