It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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