Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
