My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize