i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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