life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How external is "for external use only"?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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