Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
