Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
