Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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