Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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