The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
