Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
