Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
